


I had to.

by barneybees



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: THEY'RE CHILDREN DON'T BE FUCKING NASTY, implied suicides, suicide TW
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25396705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barneybees/pseuds/barneybees
Summary: The Kids beat Pennywise as children but not everyone is able to fight.:o)  enjoy and I'm sorry.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 4





	1. Not him. Not any of them.

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea writing another fic that's similar but this is different. I'm also writing another with my maggot doll child that i love , neibolt richie.

**Richie doesn't have a good day.**   
  
  
Something drips on his face is the first thing that wakes him up, and then the smell hits him and he gags turning his head to retch. Sewer. Those Port-a-potties at the carnivals, but this is like.... so much worse. What the hell was he doing in the sewer? He had been in his room..... definitely not crying over Mrs. K breaking up with him, Eddie wasn't allowed to talk to him anymore. That she had heard around town that he was a filthy little..... How did he get in the sewer?   
  
Fingers touch at his cheek as he tries to understand why he can't see anything and yup. No glasses. Great! The smell coming off his hand so close to his face has him turn over quickly dry heaving up water. Oh fuck did he swallow sewer water? He gags again coughing harshly and a thin stream of vomit sour candy vomit oozes onto the ground an inch from his face. Groaning he sits up, the room spins violently and he ducks his head between his knees trying to breathe. He was in the sewer. Everything is nasty and his clothes are damp .... oh fuck he's got shit and piss water soaked into his clothes. He turns his head quickly in time to actually throw up, it's everything he's eaten in two days so just candy and water.   
  
"I need a shower." He spits. "I need five showers." Before he spirals into an Eddie sized rant about grey water and talking to himself he attempts standing , and immediately stumbles forward landing in a puddle. Fingers curl against the ground , he's sure he's scraped a knee, and he can hear a little voice in his head that sounds too much like Eddie say that's infected now. He tries again and stumbles tilting side ways and catches himself with his hand before he can smash his head against this.... thing? He can't remember the name for it but water is gushing into it. Sewer things. Sewer things.   
  


He squints and notices the giant pile of junk stacked onto a large box. His gaze follows it up .... OH FUCK. Are those? Are those kids? He can't see but he can see the blur has an arm and his heart jumps into his throat. Fuck. Fuck fuck. FUCK. He's in the clowns sewer this is its home. there's fucking floating kids and he can't breathe. He spots a door and runs to it desperately pulling at it trying to get it to budge but nothing. Nothing is happening and he can hear his breathing get shakier and shakier. He can fucking taste the air and he gags again pulling at the door. 

"Step right up , Richie! Step right up!" He freezes holding his breath. "You'll change! You'll float! You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll cheer! You'll die!" He exhales shakily and his breathing grows shallow coming in slow gasps as he turns hands still curled around the door. Circus music is playing and he can't find the source, until... "Introducing Pennywise! The Dancing Clown!" The laughter than follows sends a shiver up his spine his hair standing on end. A soft whimper leaves him. He's alone. He's alone in the sewer with that fucking clown! He's going to die in the sewer like all those kids floating above him. The Jack in the box pops up but even though he can only see the movement he still jumps. The front of the box falls open , and Richie squints at the sudden bright light, the spark making him flinch. He's past the point of fear now he's numb and everything is slower. The clown is dancing and even though it's a direct line to his sense of humor he doesn't laugh. His eyes dart from the clown to a blurry opening, fuck he hopes his eyes aren't playing tricks on him, and back. He makes a run for it and Pennywise leaps toward him out of the corner of his eye scooping him up like he weighs nothing, which fair he's underweight for his age and smaller than he should be but still it's like he's nothing to the clown. Fists hit what he can reach, and he struggles to breath feeling the clown tighten it's grip on his throat. "I-I'm not afraid of you!" He's close enough that he can see the damage to Its eye is still healing.   
  
He keeps hitting it despite knowing he's not going to escape. He's clown food but he isn't going down without a fight. He freezes as the clown yanks him close and he can see the individual hairs in Its hair and that most of them have grease paint on them. The clown sniffs him and apparently isn't happy that it can't smell fear because he throws a tantrum.... Are those bells? Does the fucking clown suit have bells? How can he sneak up on anyone?   
  
"You will be!" 

Oh , It's angry. He watches horrified as the mouth splits open flesh sliding back along the paint lines ... all he can focus on are the rows and rows of sharp teeth and he thinks of goblin sharks and wonders if its mouth can move like that. Lights. Three pulsing lights and screaming. Where is the screaming coming from? All he can hear over the screams is the sound of bone splitting as its mouth continues to open , everything is engulfed in light and he feels like he's made of helium. 

\----  
  
  
He lands hard, something in his foot definitely snapped. He feels stretched out like he's made of taffy , and everything aches. He blinks blearily up and the world is clear ... and there's a man over him. He's speaking but he can hear anything. He looks excited and happy.... _He's cute. Bambi eyes and dimples ....and .... Is this Eddie? What in the actual fuck? This can't be real! This isnt' real_. Eddie's old! He looks good but he's so old! Oh. His cheek is hurt. He nearly reaches up to put a hand over the bandage ... it's dirty... warmth splatters over his face.... He can taste blood and he watches realization creep into Eddie's features. Blood's on Eddie' chin, and he can see him mouth something.... Eyes drift down and .... OH FUCK. OH Fuck. Eddie. Blood is spilling onto his chest and it's so fucking warm, and he nearly throws up. He wants to throw up as Eddie is whirled around the.... is this a cave... Eyes settle on... _IS THAT PENNYWISE WHAT IN THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK_!   
  
He tears his eyes away from the clown to watch Eddie get flung to the side like Pennywise is a toddler done with it's toy. He scrambles to his feet ignoring that every footfall as he runs where Eddie landed is agony. Eddie. Eddie! When did he get a coat? He tears it off of him landing on his knees to press it against Eddie's gaping wound in his stomach.   
  
There's a flash of Light. He's being dragged away from Eddie's body. _No! I want to stay I want to stay we can't leave him not Eddie Not here_. He fights the whole way up through the sewers to Neibolt. He fights them holding him back from going back into the house as it crumbles. His throat feels raw from screaming and he still can't hear a thing. He knows he's screaming. He knows he's weeping he can feel how fucked his throat is. He goes limp when the house is nothing but rubble.   
  
Another flash. The Quarry.  
  
Another flash. He's at the kissing bridge carving the E in that carving he did when all his feelings felt like too much to hold in.   
  
Another flash. He's laying in a tub , and his mouth is gritty and bitter there's a bottle .... he's drinking and his eyes land on an empty bottle of xanax in his lap. What the fuck is xanax? Oh. Oh shit.   
  
There's a blinding light and he lands. Bev gets torn in half. _They carry her out_.   
  
Flash of Light. Ben gets decapitated.   
  
Light. Bill dies.   
  
Light. Mike.   
  
Light. Eddie.   
  
Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death. Light. Death.   
  
Light. How many more times? How many more times is he going to watch his friends die? Sometimes they're young still. Sometimes they're older. He sees their futures. Stan. Fucking Stanley. Bev married a man that kills her. Bill can't seem to write a good ending to his books and ... Bill no. Eddie. Mike. Ben. 

\-----  
  
Light.   
  
He feels weighted, like if whatever is holding him down lets go he'll float away. He waits for teeth. He waits for darkness. He waits for Pennywise to end it. He can't see them die anymore. He can't do it. The world bleeds back into a blur and he stumbles forward he can breathe .... He's shaking violently with the sobs that he can't hold back, and he can barely hear them over the pounding in his head. He feels arms wrap around him from all sides and he is being held up going limp as he weeps into someone's shoulder... He's fucking shaking so bad.   
  
"Stan?" His voice doesn't sound like his own, far off through water. He struggles until he can see just him, and he immediately grabs his wrists turning them over. The marks aren't there. There's no blood. His breathing is erratic and he runs his thumbs over the unbroken skin, crying harder. Stanley tuts and grabs him in a bone crushing hug. He relaxes into Stan, hugging him back as he buries his face into Stan's shoulder. He untangles his fingers from Stan's shirt holding out his hand for Eddie to come into the hug. The rest of them just stand watching them. 

The thudding coming toward them has him tense and he moves to stand in front of the losers squinting as he tries to see where that fucking clown is going to pop up. He might not be able to see anything but colors and blurred shapes, but he can see the clown. " You see light don't fucking look at it. Do you hear me!?" He glances over his shoulder at them. His eyes are wide and he knows he looks insane , fuck he probably is now , they look so scared. This Pennywise isn't even as big as the one in the the deadlights. They can do this! He can do this!   
  
He takes a deep breath then yells a string of insults so vulgar that if his mother was here she'd stick a bar of soap down his throat. Stan catches on yelling insult after insult. All of them belittle the clown watching as it shrinks back face after face after face of horror flashing at them as it tries to scare them tries to....   
  
He watches the spike draw back and jumps in front of Eddie shoving him hard, and as soon as he falls back the others asking him what the fuck. He hears the bones breaking before he registers the pain. Blood oozes out of his mouth in a thin stream and he chokes coughing up more. It hurts so fucking bad, but he keeps his eyes on Eddie. He hears them screaming, as the only thing that's keeping him on his feet is the claw going right through his ribs and probably his lung. He draws in rasp after wet rasp trying to get air in his lungs. He smiles. It isn't fucking taking Eddie down with it. He can feel the warmth through his mouth as he swallows down thick liquid. He knows it's blood from his lung. He isn't stupid he's choking on it. "Sorry." He's still focused on Eddie , and he smiles this sad grin that stretches across his face. He knows the clown is just as shocked as his friends because it takes a moment , but Pennywise lifts him through the air and flings him to the side.   
  
He hits the pile of garbage Its collected and some of it topples after him when he hits the ground hard. He's pretty sure he feels his head bounce off the ground, he knows most of his body did. It knocks the air out of his lungs and he's gasping turning on his side so the blood he's got coming out of his mouth doesn't suffocate him completely. Mostly clothes and kids toys are falling down since he barely clipped the side of the tower of trash. A chair bounces somewhere to the left of him. He can faintly hear one of his friends yelling insults again. He's fading fast, and it's worth it if they're safe. He only died once in the deadlights. He took himself out. He's taken himself out again.   
  
Eater of Worlds. He snorts softly. Spider of Sewers. He cackles blood pooling out of his mouth sticky on his cheek against the floor. He can feel his pulse pounding through every inch of his body, a heavy tugging at his center as he focuses on trying to breathe. He's definitely broken in several places. There's no way he's going to make it out of here, without his friends. If they risk their lives over him he died for nothing. They better leave him. It's dark around the edges of his vision and everything's faded dull and dim. He sucks in a deep breath finally breathing a bit easier again but it's still difficult to keep air in his body. Is he in shock? Is he going into shock? He hasn't been totally in the moment since he woke up down here but it's kinda hard not to be in the moment now. It's a shitty moment.   
  
He doesn't remember closing his eyes. He doesn't remember fading. 


	2. Richie Big Dumbass Energy Tozier.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie wakes up in the hospital.  
> :o)c

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow another chapter! Look at me do the writing thing while ignoring everything I should be doing on tumblr.

** A special kind of idiot that cares more about his friends than himself.  **

There's a noise that is driving him up the wall, and his face feels heavy. His arm feels like it weighs a ton but he pats his face, finding there's a mask over it. He's tired and he just woke up. He's tired like he never even slept at all.

A soft groan and he pulls at the mask trying to get it off but a hand grabs his. Richie tenses as glasses are put on his face before he can even open his eyes. The hand moves to his hair, and it feels nice. He blinks blearily up at the source. His dad. He looks like a raccoon eyes ringed with dark circles behind his own glasses. Richie can't help but chuckle weakly. "You look like shit." He attempts an accent but he's too tired to get it right.

The relief is clear as Wentworth slumps slightly in the chair, a breathless laugh lighting up his features. "So do you." The hand doesn't leave his hair, and he doesn't want it to. It's comforting. He has a million and one questions but he can't string together the words to say at the moment. He can tell his dad has his own questions and there's some anger creasing his face but he can tell it's out of concern.

"I'm 'kay? I can't feel anything. Did I lose some limbs?" His dad shakes his head throat bobbing. Too soon for a laugh? "They've got you on the good stuff Richie. You really want to know everything now?" Richie hums and gives a shaky thumbs up.

"Your friends pulled you out and dragged you here before us parents knew anything had happened. Bill didn't stutter once when he came and got us. Sonia is over the moon that you saved her kid. I think you get a few brownie points for that. Mike stopped by a few times. Ben and his mother brought real food to us. Stanley hasn't gone a day without visiting. He's mad at you though, won't talk to you and thinks you're an idiot. He'll be here at four to yell at you. Bev... Bev moved to Portland with her Aunt but she will come visit as soon as she can. Everyone is fine. Fix your face. It's okay Rich. Hey! Hey, none of that." He can't help the tears of relief that everyone is okay. He feels fingers wipe away the tears running toward his hair. Crying hurts. Everything hurts. He can't breathe right and it feels like he's..... He had been choking before everything went dark. How is he alive? 

The hand ruffles his hair before going back to smoothing his curls out of his face. "You were in surgery for a few hours. They took what remained of your left lung and reconstructed your rib cage. Put drainage tubes in your chest and stitched up what they could. The doc talked a lot of medical nonsense at us. Your left arm's broke and so is your right leg and foot. Both have pins in them. They had to keep you under for awhile. Induced coma for the sake of bodily trauma shock response or something. They removed some of the drainage tubes last week, you've still got two in your side. You've got a food tube in your nose, that's why I stopped you from taking off the mask.... That and you need it to breathe right. We had a few scares when they took out the breathing tube, you started convulsing. We've been waiting on you to wake up Rich. Everyone's worried."

His dad looks even more tired after the explanation and Richie puts on the funny man act and grins. "One lung huh? There goes my singing career." He gets what he wants. A real laugh that unfortunately turns to tears and his dad moves closer. " Don't ever fucking do that to us again." He wipes at his face and Richie hums softly. He can't remember the last time he saw Went cry. It's weird and he doesn't like it. "You need to rest more before anyone else can see you, but the Kaspbrak boy is going to be overjoyed that you're okay. He told his mom he was going to spend the night in here and has a few times."

Eddie... Eddie stayed in a hospital for him? "How long did I nap for?" The hand stills a bit and he sighs. "Nearly three weeks? They didn't want to risk the healing process for things to set back into place right. You-You were in rough shape Richard. We nearly lost you three times on the operating table." His dad crying is weird.

"I had a dream about a turtle. His name was Maturin and he said it wasn't my time. He sounded like Danny Elfman sings. I'm not allowed to go anywhere yet. You're all stuck with me." There's a rattle when he tries to inhale and coughs weakly. His chest isnt happy with that. "'M tired, Dad. You're staying right? I don't want to wake up alone."

He shifts in the chair and rubs at his face. "I gotta go into work kiddo. I've been out of the office since we got the news. Mom is doing her round in a few hours, you won't be alone. She said she was going to let Eddie tackle you when he sees you because he hardly weighs a thing so you should be fine." He laughs and ruffles Richie's hair. He can't even hug him because the kid has too many tubes and wires and his whole chest and stomach is wrapped up tight. He doesn't think Richie is grasping much of the info he just spilled out. The doctor did say he'd be disoriented and confused for a bit. "Go to sleep. Someone will be here. Mom will get a nurse to help move you so you can sit up a bit for visiting."

Richie tries to take off his glasses but it's too much effort, so his dad carefully takes them off. Richie sinks back into the pillows, and closes his eyes wishing he could turn off the hum of the machines or that rasping sound but he knows that's making sure he's getting enough air.

\----

When he wakes up again, his mom is in the chair on his left side where all the tubes were ... or are and his broken arm. Something is sitting heavy on his right fingers and he pulls them free patting the thing earning an annoyed groan he'd know anywhere. Stanley.

He finds his hair and runs his hand through it gently knowing that he might have some tangles. Stan starts shaking and grabs his hand carefully holding it there for a moment. He sits up and shifts crawling into the bed to lay beside him. "Careful with him." Stan nods and settles down lacing his fingers with Richie's giving them a gentle squeeze. "Staniel." He earns another groan and a face tucked against his shoulder. Richie manages to laugh but it leaves him wheezing. 

"Keep your mouth closed Richie and just lay here. None of us can sleep because of nightmares so you're going to be quiet and let me enjoy the silence of knowing you're okay so I can nap." Richie huffs softly turning his head slightly to look at his stupid curls. "Glad you're okay Stan." Stan tilts his head looking confused. "You do know you're in a hospital right? We've been worried about you and you're glad I'm okay? I'm great." Richie turns back to look at the ceiling. "Go to sleep Stan. Tired. Be here when you wake up." Richie has no problem dropping right back into that deep place where nothing matters. Where it feels like he's treading water staring up into nothing. 

Stanley however watches the rise and fall of Richie's chest giving his hand a little squeeze every time Richie goes still. Stanley can't sleep. He's never going to get the image of when time stopped for the losers and everything happened too fast for them to do anything. He'll never forget the blood coating Richie's smile, or the way it bloomed across his shirt around the wound. That sound. That fucking sound of the spike running through Richie is the worst thing he's ever heard, including the .... The lights .... The screaming.... Nothing compares to what has happened to Richie. 

"He'll be okay right? Like.... He'll be okay?" Maggie shifts in the chair looking at the boys sharing the hospital bed that seems too large with her son in it, and sighs. "He's got months of physical therapy , and breathing exercises to do but he'll be fine. Positive thinking Stanley. We can only hope for the best." She goes back to staring at the wall, looking too long at her son is going to send her spiraling and she isnt about to have an embarrassing moment in public. 

Stan shifts closer pressing his cheek into Richie's shoulder. Hope for the best. That's all they can do. He's talking and laughing and trying to make people laugh He's trying to be the Richie he thinks everyone needs and Richie has always been like that. Stan knows him better than his parents do. They have secrets. They've been best friends since they could walk. He knew Richie was blind without his glasses before his parents even knew. 

Stan tries to fight back the lump in his throat and just watches Richie's chest move and listens to the machines. He doesn't know when he dozed off, but he wakes up to Eddie tugging at his sleeve. He tries his hardest not to disturb Richie as he slips from the bed back into the chair so Eddie can have his turn. 

Eddie just stands looking down at how wrong Richie looks like this. He flinches when Richie inhales too deep and starts wheezing. That's wrong. This is all wrong. This is like some bad dream and he can't shake himself awake from it. Richie's always been pale, but this is scary. The mask over his face is scary. The bandages and whats underneath them is scary. If Richie hadn't.... He wishes Richie didn't. He sees the bloodied smile when he closes his eyes. He hears the broken sorry and how blood dripped from his chin. 

Eddie sniffles and carefully gets comfy on the bed scooting as close as he can, and it's like Richie knows the difference between him and Stan even when he's out cold, because he tries to curl closer. Eddie puts a hand on his upper chest away from the bandages to keep him still and Richie doesn't move anymore, except for turning his head toward him and exhaling shakily. 

There's dark circles under Richie's eyes, and red marks where his glasses are supposed to be. He sniffles tucking his face into Richie's shoulder, as he feels Stan's head press against his calf using it as a pillow. He knows if Richie wasnt hooked up to all this that Stan probably would be tucked against his other side. If Bill was here he'd probably be laying across the end of the bed curled around Richie's good leg. The thought makes him chuckle, but this shouldn't be like this. 

They should be curled up on Bill or Stan's living room floor watching stupid movies and eating popcorn or junk food. Richie should be making dumb jokes with his mouth full of skittles , not drifting in and out of consciousness with a feeding tube and mask. He should be smiling that stupid smile that reminds Eddie of a sunny day not wheezing. Eddie wishes he could go back to the moment Richie shoved him. This isn't right. This isn't right. 

He doesn't know he's crying until he hears Richie tut softly, and shift holding up his arm with the IV in it.... He shouldn't be doing that... Eddie immediately shuffles into his side and Richie curls his arm around him. He's looking at him. He looks so fucking bad and Eddie ... Eddie's face crumples and he's weeping against Richie's side, as Richie's fingers run over his arm in small circles trying to calm him down. He doesn't know how long he cries but he cries himself to sleep, and when Richie notices he's calmed down he sighs curling his arm just a bit tighter around Eddie. 

He perks up noticing a nurse walk up and grins when she puts stuff in one of the bags by his bed. "Against the rules Tozier." Richie chuckles looking at his friends. "You didn't see anything." She sighs. "Be careful." She goes back to her rounds and Richie .... Richie's a ball of nervous energy, he knows his heartrate is probably all over the place because of the idiot drooling against his side. He stares at the ceiling for ten whole minutes feeling heavier by the second. His dad wasn't lying this is the good stuff. He drifts off wondering if everyone will still be here when he wakes back up. 


End file.
